AM I ON PUNK’D? WHERE’S ASHTON?
So the migraine at the beach happened. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s fine, but you can read about that here if you wish.) The migraine happened, & when we got back home, I made an appointment with my doctor to have some blood tests done & make sure I wasn’t scheduled to die the next day. When I was being examined, my doctor asked if I already knew I have a nodule on my thyroid. Ummmm….no?! Right away, I was already miffed not because my health was in jeopardy but because I knew this meant more appointments. She said she could see it just by watching me swallow & asked if it bothered me to swallow, eat, or breathe. What on earth? I came here for a headache! (which we hopefully resolved with an iron supplement).
There was an ultrasound appointment & then an ent visit & then a needle aspiration ultrasound appointment & finally another ent visit over the course of 6 weeks to find out I, in fact, do not have thyroid cancer. But it’s a decent size of a nodule, & if it grows much more, there’s a chance I really will have trouble breathing & will need to have my whole thyroid removed.
But that’s not the point of this little story.
In the middle of these spaced out appointments (doctors take summer vacays, too, y’all!), I decided on a whim to visit a naturopath. I saw one twice a couple of years ago when my eczema was out of control just after having Jude, & she was a gift straight from the skin gods. So when I walked into a health food store to pick up some iron only to find that they don’t sell iron in the quantity I had been instructed to buy because it’s a super duper high amount, I got to chatting with the owner who suggested I visit with their in-house naturopath. Cool, I thought. I could learn more about iron levels & talk thyroid too. Because here’s the deal, if I need to take medicine, I take it. But when I can fix an issue from the inside instead of slapping a bandaid on top, I do it.
So I made & appointment with Miss Naturopath.
A handful of days later, I sat in the tiny white hallway & waited to be fetched. I should have known I was in trouble when I looked over & saw a sheet of white copy paper taped to the wall that said, “Do you stick your head inside a running microwave? Well if you use a cell phone, you just did.” That’s a little hardcore, I thought, but whatever. I wanted to learn about my iron & thyroid. They take two samples to run tests: one urine & one hair. Now I know some of you are screaming witchcraft!!! right now, but I was only a little weirded out. I mean, they take our human blood all the time for tests! What’s a little urine & hair?
And I then I met Miss Naturopath. Let’s call her Miss
PsychoPath. That’s mean. But I guarantee you she won’t read this because it’s online, & that’s probably like sticking your head in a broiler.
Miss Path asked me some questions– diet, exercise, family life. The normal stuff but in way more detail. And then she slowly just went over the guardrails into the crazy lake & took me with her. At one point, I casually glanced around the room for cameras. Am I being PUNK’d? Is Ashton back there?
You guys, this is what I learned from Miss Path in our hour together:
1. My eyes should be blue. They’re only hazel because I’m full of toxins. Specifically copper, I think.
2. Salads hold little nutritional value, & I should stop eating salmon because they swallow all the mercury we are dumping in the ocean. Basically, my diet is crap.
3. EMFs (electromagnetic frequencies) are killing us all (I’m not denying they have negative consequences, but immediate death is a little extreme. Did I mention I’m here to talk iron & thyroid, Miss Path??)
On the subject of EMFs, I learned these things:
- If I live under power lines, I am for sure dying.
- The smart meter outside my house is killing me, & it’s being used to spy on me.
- My magnetic eyelashes (that I was unfortunately wearing that day) registered okay on her personal magnet scanner apparatus, but it would be better if I didn’t wear them.
- I need to have our house guarded against EMFs (a mere few thousand dollars is nothing compared to death by EMF).
- If we don’t unplug all of our electronic devices & WiFi at night, we’re dying.
I wanted to use my phone to record the conversation (claiming to be taking notes like a studious learner, of course), but I was scared out of my mind to reach in my purse & pull out that death trap in front of her.
I left with a thyroid supplement made of kelp that I have no idea how it works.
My hair test results are in. I haven’t gone back.
**PS Listen, guys, I love natural medicine & seeking out advice from professionals who are equipped to help you solve issues from the inside out. And I believe there are a lot of solid naturopaths out there. This is one hyperbole of an example I just had to share for humor purposes. Take care of your body & listen to professionals, & if someone claims you’re killing yourself after knowing you for 15 minutes, well, take everything they say with a grain of salt.
**There aren’t any pictures to support this story because after this conversation, I was scared to touch my phone for a solid 43 minutes.