We’ve all been there, you guys. You gave him the wrong granola bar. You wouldn’t let her wear her swimsuit to school. He took her Chapstick. You said no to coloring with Mommy’s permanent markers. Obviously, these are all valid reasons for prostrating oneself on the floor & crying all the tears while simultaneously producing sounds just below the range of dog’s-only-hearing. But what do YOU, as the seemingly person in charge, do about it?
Here is my super duper professional guide that should be taken super duper lightly because there are still days I jump to my, YOU CAN GO SIT IN YOUR ROOM UNTIL YOU’RE READY TO COME BACK & BE A KIND HUMAN!!! talk. I basically excel at the following method 74% of the time.
- Remind yourself you are a grown human who will not be persuaded by someone who still needs help putting on a shirt. You are smart & capable, & you will not be bested here. Pep talk the heck out of yourself while toddler continues to scream & side eye you.
- Take a deep breath as if approaching sunrise meditation. Approach child & get down on her level. Lightly touch her back & remind her she is a big girl, & that it’s okay to be sad, but we need to use our words. See? Look at you being so wise & in control.
- When child continues to cry all the salty tears, casually walk away like you are not affected (even though your blood pressure is starting to feel heightened) & say you’ll be making dinner when she decides to talk to you like a big girl.
- Realize you are going to have to step up your game when other two children have hands over their ears & you’re starting to lose your hearing.
- Give her the option of sitting in time out or stop crying. Nobody can even remember what the problem is anymore. Nothing needs to be resolved. We just need the tears to stop before she needs an IV for hydration purposes.
- Pick her up & set her on the kitchen counter. Hold both of her hands in yours & practice taking deep breaths together. In through your nose (we both touch our noses). Out through your mouth (we both touch our mouths). Something about the breathing & the hand coordination works miracles for calming & distracting. Did Brene Brown teach you this? Was it Kristen Bell? Pay homage to them in your mind.
- Discover you did not in fact go deaf. Hug it out & even hear a little laughter within 30 seconds. I think she’s going to survive.
- Let her stay on the kitchen counter & take pictures of herself on your phone while you go sit in the pantry & eat half a bar of chocolate as your reward for today’s therapy session.