I remember riding in the car with Blake one college day in Abilene, telling him I wanted to want to adopt, but the full desire wasn’t there yet. I don’t know that we had ever talked adoption before—this was just me voicing a simple sentence, a tiny flicker of a seed planted in my heart I hoped would grow. And it did.
Fast-forward some years. Many conversations circling around adoption have happened now. Collins is several months old, and Blake and I decide to do our homework and find an agency. I connect with two moms in Dallas who requested donated breast milk for their adopted babies. I become known as the milk lady—fancy. I hear their stories, and it turns out they both adopted from the same agency just a few months before, an agency centered right in Abilene.
Blake and I look into it. It’s small and personable. They are Christian based and believe in taking care of the birth mom as much as the baby. It’s an open-adoption process—kind of scary. But it feels right so we scurry to turn in the initial paperwork in time to attend the weekend orientation a month later. More paperwork and then some interviews and a home visit. Our caseworker doubts it will take long for us to find a placement. Honestly, I’m more nervous than excited. Collins is close to turning one by this point, but I don’t feel ready to start over just yet. But we continue, feeling this is right. We are officially approved at the end of July 2015. Nine months pass, and here we are—still waiting.
At first the waiting is nothing—it feels normal, and it feels right. My nerves have a little breathing room. A lot of unexpected life happens, and while people endure hard things with babies in tow all the time, it feels more than okay not to undergo any more change in the moment.
But here we are now. Seasons have passed, Collins turns two next week, and the feeling of excitement trumps nerves by a long shot. By now, every question has been processed. Are we sure we chose the right agency? There are so many kids waiting to be adopted. If we had gone with a different agency, we may have our baby. Did we choose this agency to have more control? To know the health and history of the baby and birth mom? Are we really trusting God here?
For around two hours one day last week, I was convinced we should think about having another baby and then approach adoption again later.
We’re not going to do that, though. Here’s why:
We feel called to adopt.
I do not believe every person is called to physically adopt a child, but I do believe we are all called to care for orphans. I think sometimes we separate the word orphan from the word child. It’s just too painful to think about a child without the love of a parent. There are half a million children in the United States today holding the title orphan.
Our hearts already belong to this precious one.
We’ve picked names. We talk about trips we’ll take with Collins and this little one. We pray for him/her/them.
We have not missed out on our baby.
We didn’t choose the wrong picture for our profile. We didn’t miss our window, and we didn’t mess up going domestic instead of international. God knows our precious one. He is faithful.
We chose this agency because we love who they are. It was not a mistake.
If we do our best to be faithful creatures, to seek the Lord with our decisions, that faith must also believe in those decisions after they are made, even if the result is different than we imagined.
So we wait. And we will continue waiting. God is involved in this adoption with more intricacy than we could ever fathom. He is so for this.