Jealousy, Part 1
The day before vacation began, little girl was cutting her first tooth and getting her four-month shots. And for some reason, I thought saving any & all packing for that day was a genius idea. Needless to say, it was a bit of a rough day, & I was nervous for the next when she would be on her first flight. I do feel like we cheated though because my dad has access to a private plane. There was no baggage claim, security, or waiting at the gate. We drove onto the landing strip, loaded our stuff, and it was just the pilots and us. Thinking about the air pressure change on her little ears or what to do if she was crying was still on my mind, but at least we weren’t dealing with a bunch of regulations with a crowded bunch of strangers.
I love the beach. My parents started taking my sister and me when we were very young, and I don’t know that there has been a year since that I haven’t enjoyed the ocean. So naturally, I couldn’t wait to take Collins. We knew she obviously wasn’t old enough to partake in typical beach activities, but we hoped she would still enjoy being in such a new, different environment—and she did! I think one thing I’m missing most today is not being able to take her outside to look at the ocean; it proved captivating to us both. Teething went against us on a few occasions, but all in all, little girl was a rock star, and we came home with two front teeth!
So—first vacation with our infant. Pretty different from vacation pre-infant, especially considering we shared a room with said infant. Don’t read that pre-infant was a better time—this was such a sweet time—it’s just different. Blake and I learned a few things along the way: like how to be creatures of a super stealth nature when it came to crawling into or getting out of bed when the baby was still asleep. Or not to go out to dinner after 7:00 because you’re sure she can handle herself just this once even though she’s teething only to have to leave said restaurant before your food arrives while at the same time convincing the young couple (sitting on the same side of the booth) behind your table to wait at least ten years before having kids.
The biggest thing I was confronted with while on our trip? Role jealousy. It’s one of the worst types of jealousy, too, especially when it puts you up against your husband. I noticed it pretty quickly after Collins was born. I felt like Blake got to have it all. He’s such an awesome dad—he really is, and I’ve loved watching him grow in that area over the last 4 ½ months. But he got to be the awesome dad AND have a life at the same time. He got to go to work in the morning, listen to whatever he wanted in the car, talk to adults all day long, enjoy his lunch break, and then come home to be the hero dad we missed all day. And like I’ve said before, I truly love spending all day with little girl. But sometimes, I miss adult interaction, and even more, I wonder if the smile on her face would be as big if I was the one coming home at the end of the day.
He has reminded me that I have it pretty awesome too. I get to be the primary person to raise our baby right now. I see nearly every move she makes and am usually the first one to spot something new she can do. Blake doesn’t get to do that, and especially after our time at the beach together, I know he will miss not being around her all day. Like I’ve said before, the challenges I’m facing during this season of life typically have nothing to do with my baby—she is such a constant joy in my life. Being a mom is forcing me to work through flaws and conflicts I almost always bring upon myself.
I thought being at the beach would erase the feeling of jealousy because we would both be around during the day, but it turns out I was wrong— the lessons just keep on coming.