Is it Ironic I'm Insecure About This Blog About Insecurity?
What is your biggest insecurity right now? When do you question yourself or struggle to feel like you’re enough?
I read a blog earlier this month about insecurities (Courage to face our Insecurities) , and it really had my wheels spinning. I am very aware I have insecurities, and I’m aware I have shared some of those here with you, but I still don’t know that I could pinpoint all of the big ones. And to be honest, I know insecurities can easily bring out a side of me that is not pretty. I need to get a hand on what those insecurities are, reign them in, and figure out what to do with each of them because I absolutely don’t want to carry those things with me as I do life with others.
Get on with it, my mind said. Figure some of this stuff out so you can let go and be a little freer. So the explication began, and I bet you understand how much fun it is to dig through these seeded parts of your heart…about as fun as digging out a splinter—you welcome the relief that is surely soon to come, but oh my gosh, come on and finish the job already.
So, this list…..have you started thinking of yours? Here is the start of mine:
1. Not feeling a strong identity: This one encompasses so much. Iknow my identity is found in Jesus, but can you agree with me that it is so stinking easy to place your identity in what you’re doing when it’s full of reward and human affirmation? I have been there, and sometimes I still try to be there. When my identity is found in what I’m doing, every moment that is not filled with accomplishment feels like a failed moment. And do you know how many actual moments are filled with accomplishment? These days, they feel few and far between. Is changing a diaper or sucking snot out of a baby’s nose or feeding your baby applesauce grounds for an accomplished moment? Sometimes, maybe. (They are certainly all acts of love, and that is a beautiful thing, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.) This isn’t limited to being a stay at home mom, either. I used to work at a school and while being very full-time and full of responsibility, a lot of days were just part of the journey. If I didn’t feel like there were enough moments of accomplishment during a day, I struggled with the feeling that the day had been a waste. I have been trying to get away from the “checking off the daily list” mentality for years, but as long as I let my identity be in what I’m doing, that list will always have precedent in my day. I will always, always, always feel like a failure who isn’t enough at the end of the day—because we were meant for so much more. Believe it. I’m not saying to throw the list out the window—just don’t let it be your life mission.
(You guys know how I feel about Narnia….) We must have courage to stand up against insecurities because insecurities are lies.
2. Comparison: I’ve talked about comparison in a previous blog, but I just want to touch on how comparing ourselves to others brings about such great insecurity. It could be physical appearance, intellect, how we parent, income and “success”, highlight moments, and so many other areas of life. (A highlight moment is a moment you see of someone else’s life, typically through social media, that makes you think that is what their whole day or life or relationship looks like, and you immediately become jealous or covet that person’s life. A highlight moment is usually not a good depiction of a person’s entire day, fyi.) Comparison is the thief of joy. I’ve heard and quoted that so many times, I think I’ve made myself believe it’s straight from the Bible, but it’s just a really good thought from President Theodore Roosevelt. When we compare, we are choosing to focus on someone else instead of being thankful for what we’ve been given. When we aren’t thankful, it is impossible to find joy. I compare constantly. I try not to, and I’m working on being better about it, but I have a long way to go. Because seriously, I’ll be nervous about going to a group class at the gym because there are always girls who work out more, look more fit, and do each step better than me. But you know what? Who cares? If that’s my focus, I’m forgetting to be thankful for the ability to do a workout or just feel good about taking care of myself. That is such a small example of comparison, but when our days are filled up with small examples, we begin to normalize the issue, and we were not meant for it.
Several days ago, I got to go to a women’s night of worship. I was a few minutes late (when am I not these days?), so the room was already dark and music was playing. My friend had saved me a seat close to the stage, and I found myself surrounded by hundreds of women longing for the same things I did. As my eyes were closed and I let my heart be lifted in song, I realized something pretty amazing—I didn’t feel a single insecurity. There wasn’t the feeling of not being enough or not doing enough or being too imperfect. Those thoughts that sometimes feel hardwired into my brain had vanished, and instead, I just wanted Jesus.
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve listened to the song, “Oceans” by Hillsong, but every time, it just gets to me. When we sang it that night, it got me, and I was reminded of His beauty and power. Because you know what else? When I focus on my insecurities, what I’m not focusing on is Jesus and the beautiful fact that He is greater and more worthy than myself. It immediately releases pressure and resets perspective.
The song opens to say,
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail.
And there I find You in the mystery—
In oceans deep, my faith will stand.
And I will call upon Your name,
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise,
My soul will rest in Your embrace—
For I am Yours, and You are mine.
Jesus is greater. My need to feel purpose. My need for affirmation. My need to feel beautiful. My need to be worthy. These needs can feel like a mountain of anxiety—but Jesus is greater. When I rest in Him, whether it be in a room full of women, the lights off, music playing and feeling my soul drink up the goodness or in my living room playing with my baby on the floor, my insecurities vaporize when I truly rest in Him. He is greater. How do I rest in Him? It honestly depends on where I am and how much time I have available. It may mean listening to a playlist. It may mean having a little out loud conversation with Jesus. It may mean reading a devotional or part of a book or chapter of the Bible. It may mean writing. It may mean a conversation with Blake or a friend. There are so many ways to find rest in Him because He makes Himself available through an infinite number of avenues. He desires us, friends. These insecurities we have are not of Him—they are the absence of Him. Thankfully, He gives us hearts full of strength. He equips us to fight against darkness with love—His love—and when we do, we always win. We have to keep fighting. Our days are only lost when they are without Jesus. With Him, our journey is a story worth sharing, one day at a time.